Goodbye, 2015. Why I Am Thankful
I don’t remember much about 2015.
Honestly.
In fact, it is hard for me to remember what happened five minutes ago.
I believe my amnesia of 2015 has a lot to do with how horrible this year was for me. I don’t want to remember shit about it.
It is a year I am glad to have almost over.
It is a year that truly dismantled me, made me question and doubt myself in ways I never had before, made me want to give up on living more than once.
My health decreased while my weight increased. My creativity dried up and blew out of my reach. My anxiety and stress and depression and fear were up and down and around and around so much that I often didn’t know what I was doing. I lived in a foggy existence, truly not knowing how I managed to make it through each day. I was in pain, so much pain, more emotional and mental than physical. At least six times, I neared, if not crossed over into, Nervous Breakdownland. I was the hottest of all messes. I questioned God, I questioned His love for me and my love for Him. More than once, I believed I was better off dead, that I was worth more to my family dead than alive.
To put it bluntly, I fucking hated 2015, and it can, come tomorrow night, so kiss my whole entire ass.
Yet, somehow, despite every negative, painful moment that I lived through in 2015, I am thankful.
Why?
Because I’m still here. Granted, there is a huge part of me that laughs and thinks, “Why the hell is THAT good news? So what you’re still here. Here to live through more shit, right?”
But there is another part of me—it is small, but it’s there—that says, “But there is something so much stronger than you involved in this.”
I wanted to die, more than once, in 2015, but I’m still here.
Something stronger than me kept me here.
God.
I was angry that I was too much of a chickenshit to off myself, but God didn’t care that I was angry. He refused to let my mind dictate my life; that was His role.
And so, I’m still here.
And I’m thankful for that because that means God isn’t through with me yet, and if He’s not through with me, I can’t be through with me.
There are things He needs me to do on this earth, and there are many people who have told me that I have a calling on my life, a calling to speak of God and represent myself in a way that is pleasing to Him and that draws others to Him.
I’m going to accept this calling because God saw fit to let me live through this strenuous year, and what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.
Whether I see it, feel it or not, I am stronger.
And that strength will carry on into 2016—a year ripe with supernatural breakthroughs, miracles, generational uplifting, and peace that passes all understanding.
